Pigeons get fed. Why won't I?

Allow me a moment of vulnerability.

I'm scared. I'm anxious. I hate the uncertainty of the future and how overwhelming all that crap can be. I hate being human and making decisions, waiting for that glorious moment of clarity to come and bring forth realization that I did make the right choices in life and this is exactly where I'm supposed to be.

I graduated from college and I thought that this would be a good thing because finally, I can do what I want with my life. But apparently, I was built to follow rigid, laid-out plans because of the security it promises. But at the same time, I find these plans suffocating and well, boring.

I woke up this afternoon in a panic because it all dawned on me how unprepared I am to take up my Master's degree in a course that wasn't even my undergraduate degree. I probably rushed into this too quickly. Maybe I should have worked for a year or two and figure out if I really want to stop being a nurse and start being a teacher. Maybe I should have taken up 18 units and take the LET and teach before I pursued higher studies. Maybe taking up my Master's degree this year was premature.

If you had asked me what I plan to do after college a year ago, I would have answered with the utmost confidence that I want to take up my Master's degree and start teaching children. It felt like it was what I was called to do and it seemed the perfect occupation for me given what I had to offer and what it had to offer me. I had conviction then. But now it's wavering. Don't get me wrong, I still think it's what I was called to do, but I think I rushed into it too quickly? And now, it's come back to bite me in the ass.

People used to say that I was so lucky I already knew what I wanted to do with my life after graduation. I would feel the same, if it was easy to achieve my goal. But this is a radical shift for me and already some people are questioning my motives and my abilities.

My life would be a whole lot easier if I just give all this up and go back to the hospitals where I feel safe and more prepared to take on the challenges. But even then, I'm scared to make mistakes and possibly kill someone as a result of that.

I hate how scared I am of the unknown.

I hate how I'm too scared to make a mistake.

I hate how I overthink anything and everything.

After a whole lot of consolation and encouragement by various people, I came to realize that I was just looking too far ahead and too much into what could go wrong. So I made a list of things I didn't think of during the course of my overthinking:
1) I didn't think about how much I'd be satisfying my brain with all that I'll learn.
2) I didn't think about how fulfilling my future profession would be.
3) I didn't think about how much I'll grow as a person after all this.
4) I didn't think about how I don't have to go through all this alone and that I have my family and friends' support.
5) I didn't think about who told me to go for this and how He'll support me all the way.

I guess the only person who was holding me back from being the best I could be was me and God was kind enough to tell me which path to pursue to unleash my potential and possibly achieve greatness.

The future may be vast and overwhelming, but my God is all those things, too, and so much more.

So suck on that, future!