Gray Area
It has been a struggle for me as of late to figure out how I feel about this whole thing, rather these two separate whole things. I was conflicted between feeling exhilaration from the uncertainty and anxiety over, well, another uncertainty.
It baffles me how I could feel two different emotions on the opposite ends of the continuum about two different but apparently similar, gray areas. However, over the course of two weeks, I finally came up with something conclusive:
I DO NOT LIKE GRAY AREAS.
I have always been, and still am but to a lesser degree, a control freak. I grew up trying so hard to be independent, partly because of the praise from my parents, but more because of the sense of accomplishment that I could do things on my own and it almost always works out for me. Then came the moments in my life when I realized I can no longer control all the aspects of my life and that's when I started to spiral downward. Unfortunately for me, controlling everything set me up for high expectations, but did not prepare me for the crash that are constant disappointments. My old way of living had to go and as reluctant as I was, I was partially relieved to set it free, as well as myself, from the shackles to which I bound myself. But of course I was not about to let it all go and rely on just anyone, it had to be the right person, or in this case the right entity. So I let it all go and convinced myself that my constant worrying did not help me one bit. That moment when I completely let all things and myself go was the moment when everything fell into place. I realized that I wasn't alone and that I had someone to depend on.
Occasionally though, I still worry about the uncertainties in my life and my insecurity of not being able to handle them as I used to. I was the person that had to constantly plan so that I don't find myself ad-libbing when the situation presents itself. Naturally, when you've learned to let go, you also learn to try and appreciate things from a different perspective as someone else is handling things for you. However, there are some aspects in my life that I cannot just completely let go.
In this one specific area in my life, I realized that I had to take a stand somehow and not just accept anyone to come into my life that way. I have to admit that I have a lot of issues and insecurities that I may or may not be willing to share to anyone, but I am sure as hell not ready to undertake any more of anyone else's problems. I have been down that path and it did not go well for me. I was emotionally battered, bruised, broken and perhaps beyond repair. I think it's time I did something for myself, instead of constantly trying to pick up the broken pieces of another person in hopes that I could make them whole again. I am not God and I've quit my part-time job as a savior of the bruised, beaten, and the damned. So to that end, I have resolved to take care of myself first before, well, entering into that whole relationship thing again, which truthfully sounds so promising to me right now.
I have also relinquished control of another aspect of my life concerning my future, but now that I think about it, it's not that good an idea. Because honestly, how far can I go if I don't find ways to move forward from this point in my life? But that doesn't mean that I'll just take any opportunity that comes my way and miss out on better things. If there is one thing I've learned in two decades of existence, it is the value of patience. So I came up with a bargain with my God that I will once again take control of this whole future thing, just as long as I have His guidance to choose the path that I will traverse. It will take much time to hear His instructions again, but hey, I like spending time with the Guy and honestly, I have nothing better to do since I am officially unemployed.
All right, so I started out this blogpost believing that I could actually appreciate the uncertainty and certain sense of excitement that a situation presents, but realized that I couldn't. I had set myself up in believing that I'd changed when really I only distracted myself and veered away from the issue. So yes, these gray areas have to go, and I need to look into dark areas for some clarity.
Is there certainty about the outcome of this endeavor?
NO.
But will someone be there to meet me if and when I manage to get through the dark areas of my life?
I hope so. I hope so.
No comments:
Post a Comment