Claiming it!

I am not the least bit anxious about the licensure exam.

Well, I was, like three days ago, but things happened in that span of time and my viewpoint of this whole thing has shifted dramatically.

So there I was in my room three days ago screaming my head off, panicking, because the mock boards were the next day. This exam was unlike any other, because it mimicked the real thing and could be a determinant or equivalent of my performance in the actual board exam. As is my nature of being overly controlling of my circumstances, it was hard for me to accept that I had read all there is to read, but feel as though I still don't know enough to pass. So yes, major screaming session commenced.

Come the next morning, I was still so agitated. I hated feeling anxious about this, when honestly I tried so hard these past few months to not let the pressure get to me. The weight of the need to pass just so I could maintain that 100% passing rate of my alma mater since its establishment in 1948, was overbearing. In addition to that, the review center coordinators and our fellow reviewees were watching our every move and just expecting us to top the boards. If this is not enormous pressure to put on mine and each of my batchmates' shoulders, I fail to comprehend what is.

Anyhoo, so I took my quiet time and prayed so fervently to the Lord to help ease the anxiety away, because I was not about to answer 3 bloody exams for the day and 2 more the day after with anxiety looming over me, laughing and pointing. I prayed for protection, knowledge and good judgment, as well as for everyone else. After that, I felt surprisingly calmer, but still of course, a little worried.

So I went to the review center and tried my best to put on a cool and composed face, but had a brief moment of panic and told a friend how anxious I was. I felt bad immediately after I said it though, because it was just the Pre-boards. It was not the real thing. It's not supposed to mean that much to me. Or so I told myself. The things you tell yourself just to feel better.

So came the time just before the answer sheets and questionnaires were distributed. Kuya Jeo, the awesome tech guy of the review center, prayed with us and for us. The man was a godsend, really. He just said all the right things, easing all the anxiety away and replaced it with confidence and peace. He made me realize how little faith I had placed in the Lord and myself, that my license was there, made and ready, I just had to claim it. I had done my part of endless reading and reviewing, now it's all up to God to grant me the wisdom and judgment to pass this. I also realized by virtue of stewardship, that none of the things I want for myself are really mine, like my license and the prestige of being called a professional. It was all God's and it is His call to give it to me, not because I deserve it, but because He entrusts it to me. And the sooner I realized that all I'm doing is for the glory and honor of the Kingdom of God, the sooner I can do things His way, which is so much easier and better.

So no, I am not anxious. This is not me being totally self-serving and overly confident. This is me declaring my faith and leaving my fate in the hands of my Lord and savior. I had done my part, Lord, I know You'll do Yours. I hope I make You proud.

Three more days until the licensure exam. :)