Ever since I was a kid, I believed in grabbing opportunities, because I felt that once they passed, they were never coming back again, which is true for most but not all opportunities. I applied this same principle in people I cared about, that if I didn't take the chance, I might lose them forever and they're never coming back. So I held on, not realizing that they might not be the one for me and that I'm wasting time and effort, both for me and them. What sucks the most is that I let myself become vulnerable and I seem to be the only one who can't live through the break-ups. Nothing but heartbreak.
I so desperately clung onto those relationships, hoping to find happiness in entrusting myself to them. I was never happy being single and was constantly looking for someone to be with. It was until later this year that I realized, by the grace of God, that it's okay to wait. I didn't have to keep looking and being with just anyone to make me feel good about myself. Not anymore. So for the first time in my life, I'm okay with being single.
But this doesn't come easy. Waiting for the unknown never is. But I keep in mind two things to keep me going:
1) Patience has its rewards.
2) God has great promises for me and He's going to keep it.
I know to some this all seems so abstract and intangible. Just the rants of a girl who has had many failed relationships who has nowhere else to go. I used to think the same thing, but truth is, you only get to understand what this means, when you're the one experiencing it. Sad to say, you have to trip and fall down, get wounded and scarred, before you learn certain things.
I don't like waiting. I hate waiting. If there's one thing I hate more than clowns (scares the bejesus out of me), it's waiting. I hate the feeling of uncertainty looming over me. I hate not knowing about what the future might deliver, or not. I hate how 5 minutes feel like forever when you're waiting for something to happen, be it good or not. I just plain HATE it.
But if I can subject myself under this torture that is waiting, why can't you? You just have to believe that you deserve better things and that you don't have to settle for the mundane. Because great things are in store for you in you future. And all you have to do is sit back and wait for it to unfold before your eyes.
I'm a very impatient person and God knows that. So before this year ended, He reassured me through these:
Behind each item lies a story.
- I've wanted a volleyball since I was in 3rd year high school. I love playing volleyball. However, I deemed it too expensive and unnecessary to spend a large amount of money to buy an actual volleyball. So this Christmas I was given one as a gift. Hurrah!
- I always saw myself as a long range shooter. Behind the scenes but still hitting real time and doing actual damage. I was watching The Walking Dead this Christmas break and reveled at how it is so awesome to have a crossbow/bow and arrows. I was dying to have one. So went through toy store to toy store just looking for one. We found two kinds, both for little children aged 8 and above. I didn't buy any of them because, let's face it, they suck. So I was giving up hope, but then we went to Landmark. That's where I bought my bow and arrows. It was sleek and awesome, more suited for my age and a whole lot bigger than the last two I've seen. What was so good about this was that I didn't even go looking for it, my brother just happened to pass it in a store we hadn't even planned to go to in the first place. Some say it was a call for second childhood. I say it's fate. Heh.
- I've had a watch for 3 years and just before Christmas, it broke. The second hand just follows wherever gravity wanted it to go and it stopped completely. I asked my mom to buy me a watch but each time we go to the mall, we didn't get a chance to actually look at watches and compare prices. Plus, the good ones are always so expensive and I was hoping to buy a new pair of shoes too. So we didn't get to buy any, and I settled for going to a watch repair shop to fix it. After all, it'll be just as good and functional when it's fixed. So I dropped the search and was perfectly fine with my old watch. But then my brother comes home from Qatar and gives me a watch as a pasalubong. And it's more than I wanted, more than I needed. Plus it's Baby-G, the watch I've wanted since I was in grade school. Haw.
So it brings me great joy and assurance that great things will happen for me. Sometimes we think that we know better and just take every opportunity that appears in front of us. We plan and plan for our future, not thinking that God knows all and has a better plan for us. We just have to trust Him, and believe that He will give us what is best for us. I have no doubts that I will soon find the one for me. He will come at the right place at the right time when I am good and ready for him.
Him: "I'm sorry you had to wait so long for me."
Me: "Naw. You're just in time. I didn't mind waiting."
Happy new year! :)
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